


You deserve the truth

by Mysticteen



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clone Wars, Comfort, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Force Ghost Qui-Gon Jinn, Hurt, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, M/M, Obi-Wan Kenobi Gets a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Planet Coruscant (Star Wars), Pre-Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:15:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26732719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mysticteen/pseuds/Mysticteen
Summary: Obi-Wan was wounded in battle and having to rest in the Jedi Temple to recover is one of the things he hates the most, because being alone in his room revives painful memories that he does not want to think about. Especially when it has to do with his former Master, Qui-Gon Jinn.
Relationships: Qui-Gon Jinn/Obi-Wan Kenobi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 71





	You deserve the truth

* * *

That day was one of the few that Obi-Wan Kenobi had to rest, simply because he was hurt after being in battle. Otherwise, he would not have abandoned his post in the war to stay inside his room in the Jedi Temple.

Unfortunately, it was one of those days when his mind did not allow him to rest properly. It was one of those times when he became nostalgic, which really displeased him; remembering painful moments when he was alone made him feel more miserable. 

At least in front of others, he did his best to keep up appearances, and he even ended up getting distracted and stopped thinking about his own sadness. But he was not able to lie to himself when he was alone. He saw his reflection in the mirror, and he only saw a simple man hidden behind the facade of a perfect Jedi; a man with shattered feelings, with broken dreams and terrible faults that tormented him. There were still situations from his past that he was unable to forgive himself, he thought that perhaps he would never manage to do so.

But of all his regrets, of all his guilt, he knew that he would not be able to overcome the fact that his Master had been killed before his eyes, and he was not able to do anything to save him. 

Anger before this scene made him act against Maul in order to defeat him that time; he could not explain the darkness that suddenly took possession of him, and he felt fear of himself. The emotional attachment he had for Qui-Gon Jinn was _inappropriate_.

Even after all the years that passed since he lost his Master, that emotional attachment did not fade away. It was a wound that would never close, because every time he thought of Jinn, he ended up covering his face with both hands, sobbing in silence, drowning in tears.

He felt hypocritical when he lectured Anakin about how inappropriate it was to hold on to someone. But even though he was not able to follow his own words, he wanted to spare the young man from having the same sufferings as he did. He wanted to prevent him from creating wounds that were impossible to heal.

Obi-Wan walked to his closet, squatting in front of it to open the last drawer of it, seeing a dark brown tunic neatly folded there, with a small wooden box next to it, which had some elegant reliefs carved into the lid.

He took the box in his hands for a moment, opening it to find a braid; which he cut himself when he stopped being a Padawan to become Anakin's Master. He pressed his lips hard when he saw that lock of hair, and looked to the side, seeing the hilt of a lightsaber.

_Qui-Gon's lightsaber._

He took several deep breaths as he felt he was suffocating, running out of oxygen. He lowered the box to pick up the weapon, then turned it on; the flash of light from the green crystal illuminated much of his room as it was almost dark.

The color was familiar; he could easily find another Jedi using a lightsaber with the green light. This one was special, though, and he didn't know if it was because he placed more importance on the simple object himself or for some other particular reason. But this object, this light, gave him a certain peace, hope, confidence.

It was enough for him to connect in the Force with the crystal kyber of the interior of the handle to be able to revive certain moments that he shared with his Master. Even to be able to see more of him, when still he was not close to being his Padawan, but he always avoided doing that because he knew that they were only masochistic desires; it would not be much use to him to revive intensely the pain that he had gradually appeased.

He turned off the lightsaber, leaving it in place, closing the box and putting it back where it was before. He turned his gaze to the robe that was inside the same drawer, and briefly bit his lower lip before taking the cloth to stand up, unfolding it. 

It was so long that it dragged several centimeters of cloth on the ground; the difference in height that he had with Jinn was notorious in those days and the proof of it after so many years was still that robe.

He returned to where his bed was, taking a seat on the edge of it while he continued to hold strongly that browned tunic. He was so immersed in his thoughts that he did not notice that the tears ran down his cheeks, sliding quickly down his skin and finally falling like raindrops on the dark cloth that was between his hands; a sob was suddenly drowned after holding his breath for a short while.

"I'm sorry, Master." He murmured, sounding almost like a short sigh. He breathed deeply, trying to calm down and then to go on; sometimes talking to the nothing helped him more than he thought in the beginning. "I was not able to save you on Naboo. I did what I promised you about Anakin, but that has never made me feel less guilty..." He swallowed his saliva with some difficulty. 

_Was Qui-Gon upset that he couldn't stop Maul from killing him? Was his Master right to say that he was ready to be a Jedi Knight that time?_

He hid his face in Qui-Gon's robe while those kinds of thoughts flooded his mind. He wished to be able to recover and return to the war as soon as possible; it could have become a kind of routine to participate in the war, but this surprisingly avoided his melancholy and psychological self-torture. 

A delicate breeze, which reached the uncovered areas of his face, caught his attention at once. He did not remember at any time to have left any windows open, and if so, he would have felt something like that moments ago. He swallowed again as he tried to calm his silent crying, feeling the knot in his throat inexplicably painful.

He looked up from that dark robe, following it in the direction from which he felt the breeze coming. As he focused his eyes, tired and irritated from crying, they opened wide, and his heavy breathing stopped for a moment.

"You have been neglecting yourself a lot, Obi-Wan." Gently mentioned the man who was sitting next to him, shaking his head slightly.

Obi-Wan stood motionless in his place, reacting as if he had seen a dead man. Indeed, this was the reaction one would expect when seeing a person after so long that one knew he had lost forever.

"Qui-Gon...?" He called out to him in a faint whisper, keeping his eyes fixed on his silhouette. 

Although it was most likely judging by his condition, he didn't want to believe that he was hallucinating or dreaming. It was the first time he 'saw' his former Master after more than ten years, and he refused to believe that it was a cruel play of his own mind in the face of the pain he was feeling.

"Have the years not been kind to you, my young apprentice?" He asked, in a rhetorical way, casting a small sympathetic smile at him.

Obi-Wan pushed the robe aside, leaving it on his right side of the bed while turning his attention to the silhouette of his Master. He brought both hands cautiously to his face, feeling how from his body the Force emanated in its purest state. Another sob was suppressed as soon as he was able to feel it. It was not in the same way that he could feel any material object, or even another person, but under the touch of his hands there was no emptiness as if they were only raised into the air.

It was Qui-Gon's turn to bring his hands to Obi-Wan's face, cradling him as he wiped away with his thumbs the tears that still slid rebelliously down his cheekbones. With the same fingers he caressed the contour of his eyes, removing the wetness that was there.

Obi-Wan could not contain himself after that. It was inappropriate for him to react so effusively, so emotionally, so desperately. But behind closed doors he no longer cared about that, he didn't think about the Code, nor how much he knew that his emotional attachment was something completely irrational. He did not hesitate a second longer and simply threw himself into the arms of his Master, feeling an inexplicable calm when he was reciprocated.

"This is really happening?" He asked quietly, trying to normalize his breathing as he ran his fingers through Qui-Gon's hair; even the sensation was strange to him. "I'm not dreaming, am I?"

"The Force may have different ways of acting, Obi-Wan. But it would be too late for it to give you a really hard time." Qui-Gon raised one of his hands to the head of his former apprentice, running his fingers through his hair; the younger one found that act comforting, so his shoulders slowly loosened. "And you may have been right that many times I should not question the Council, but for other reasons I am grateful that I did so and followed the will of the Living Force. This in the end allowed me to retain my own individuality after becoming one with the Force."

"So you have achieved immortality in a certain way, and you are a..."

"Let's say I'm a Force Ghost." Jinn responded to Obi-Wan's dubious tone.

He parted briefly from his Master's embrace, fixing his gaze on his face. He scanned for a moment those features that were still intact in his memory, and although he had not changed in any way about his appearance, he still felt that everything was different somehow. 

He was so tired at the time, he didn't know if it was because he had grown up in all those years, or if it was because he had missed Qui-Gon that made him see everything from a different perspective. 

"What took you so long?" Obi-Wan muttered after that. He didn't want it to sound like a reproach, but somehow he couldn't contain the tone he used.

"The technique takes many years to master, Obi-Wan. At first I could only present myself as a voice, and I could see that it would be more difficult for you to assume that fact." He explained with a calm tone, like those times when they both sat in the middle of their training. "Then I could appear as a silhouette, but I couldn't interact with the world around me. Still, in trying to master that practice, it doesn't mean I haven't been looking out for your well-being all these years."

Obi-Wan's lower lip shook slightly, and he needed to press it with his upper lip to keep it quiet.

"I am proud of the man you have become, my young apprentice." Qui-Gon continued, changing the subject when he knew there was nothing more to say about the above. He took his right hand out of Kenobi's hair, leaving it resting on his cheek afterwards. "I knew you would become a great Jedi."

"Master, I..."

"And you don't have to carry the blame that doesn't belong to you." Jinn added to the brief interruption of his former Padawan, for he had heard Obi-Wan's words earlier when he grabbed his robe.

"Master..." Kenobi sighed silently, bowing his head before continuing. 

Normally he was a confident man, at least not intimidated by anyone, especially in front of others. But Qui-Gon always had something in his gaze that made him duck his head; perhaps, when he was younger, it was intimidation. But now he remembered again the respect that this man emitted even when he was silent.

"The fault that you were killed by Maul is mine." He pleaded, biting his lower lip briefly before speaking out loud. "I was not a good Padawan. If I had kept up with you in that battle, if I could have done more before we were trapped in that corridor... Qui-Gon, the fact that you are not here alive is only my fault. And Anakin would have had a better Master, of that I am completely sure".

"Obi-Wan." Jinn's serious look softened after those words. 

A fleeting sigh escaped his lips accordingly, looking more sympathetically at him. Qui-Gon knew that this was what Kenobi always thought, but the situation seemed more difficult when he received those words directly.

"Listen to me carefully." Asked Jinn. He took his hands away from Obi-Wan to rest them side by side on the bed he was sitting on. "I chose for myself my destiny on Naboo. Fighting a Sith has been perhaps the most difficult task ever entrusted to me. But not because I had no good opponents before, but because I was afraid of losing you." Obi-Wan's eyes opened wide for the second time in that hour, and he had to bite the inside of his cheek to remain silent. "Meditating in the middle of that corridor made me understand things I might have ignored at another time."

"That's why you didn't choose another Form to fight..." Kenobi whispered at that, as if Qui-Gon's words had taken away a blindfold. 

"You have always been very clever." Jinn gave a small, almost imperceptible, sideways smile. "If I had not followed the path that was revealed to me by the Force, things would have ended up worse. I know that with Xanatos I made many mistakes and that it was only my fault that it was lost. The pain of his loss remained for many years, but after our making up for what happened at Melida-Daan, I understood that even though we had our differences, you were much better than any Padawan in every way."

Qui-Gon took a brief pause before continuing. He had forgotten how liberating it was to be completely honest; perhaps he had never been so honest, but Obi-Wan deserved the truth and to see that he was worth more than he knew. 

"I have lost many people over the years that I have been here." Qui-Gon muttered, continuing. "Somehow you have become a compass for me. You helped me stay on course and you were my anchor all those years. To suffer your loss would be... Devastating. To see you die at the hands of a Sith Lord would have been the last straw; that fact would make me lost forever. And it was no use to the Republic to have a brilliant Padawan dead, and a Jedi Master consumed by the Dark Side. I knew that in spite of my death, you would be mature and centered enough not to be overcome by the temptation of darkness."

Obi-Wan had definitely been speechless; his blood froze for a moment and he did not realize when he started holding his breath. Qui-Gon had never been sincere with his emotions; he was a stoic man with a rebellious soul, kind and cordial but with impenetrable feelings; at least this way he showed himself before others.

The last few years they shared he was more calm, perhaps even just showing certain emotions to Kenobi. Or perhaps he already knew him well enough to deduce certain things; although he was not always sure if he was right. The few times that Obi-Wan was able to talk to Master Dooku, he received the same words with which everyone described Qui-Gon: _stubborn, rebellious, kind, protective and closed in his emotions._

> _**"There is no emotion, there is peace."** _

That invisible mask that Jinn used to protect himself was sometimes irritating; even Dooku himself once confessed that it caused him discomfort. If he had not been rebellious by being firm in his beliefs, he would have said that his Master would have followed the Code perfectly.

And in the face of that little demonstration, he didn't know what to believe about Qui-Gon and his way of reacting to his actions, he didn't know if his Master was really pleased or simply gave incentives not to give up. So to see him and hear him be so sincere in all he felt those years, was indescribable. 

"And let me clarify something else," Qui-Gon asked, noting that Obi-Wan wanted to say something after that short period of silence. "Anakin could not have asked for a better Master." Kenobi looked at him with a frown at that statement. "I am sorry I put that burden on your shoulders, Obi-Wan, and I never wanted you to compare yourself to me in training young Skywalker."

"It's just that... He looks like you in many ways." Obi-Wan sighed, running one of his hands through his hair, adjusting it a bit. "I thought that by being like you I would be able to accomplish something, but... I didn't. We were always very different, and the same thing happened with Anakin. That's why you were the one to train him; I was only the young Master who tried to fill the void left by your loss, and I didn't even manage to do it the way I should have".

"You've been good enough, Obi-Wan, and you're one of the best Jedi of your generation. You have to learn to see yourself, without comparing yourself to those before you." Qui-Gon remained calm about this, understanding how he felt about Anakin's instruction. He also had his moments of insecurity, and comparing himself to other Masters as a young man was inevitable. "I know it is difficult, but it is not impossible; you underestimate your value as a Jedi and as a Master."

"Has living in the Force made you become so sincere, Master?" Obi-Wan let out a short silent laugh at his own comment, his eyes appearing crystalline in reflection to the luminous silhouette of Qui-Gon.

"I just want you to know the truth, Obi. I'm not disappointed in you, don't think about that possibility anymore. And no, I wasn't lying when I said you were ready to become a Jedi Knight."

Deep down, Kenobi knew that this was what he had always needed and no one ever figured it out. He needed someone to tell him that he was more than he thought, that he was really useful and good at what he did. A conversation this important, with no masks to hide emotions or barriers that would make them look up.

Qui-Gon knew him better than anyone else would have, and even though they had their differences and now there was a big reason that separated them, the fact that he showed up to assure him that everything was fine, felt like a big weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

In the calm that followed that talk, Obi-Wan noticed that he was still sitting sideways on his Master's thighs; he twisted his lips at his recklessness and even became slightly embarrassed. He was no longer too young to behave in this way and being carried like a child by Qui-Gon; the fact that Jinn laughed at his reaction only embarrassed him more.

"I guess you'll be leaving now, won't you?" Kenobi inquired in a tired tone, resting his head on his Master's shoulder. Qui-Gon surrounded him with his arms, patting him gently on the back.

"I cannot stay long, as I interfere between the world of the living and what is beyond." Obi-Wan suppressed a small complaint at that answer; again he attributed this to his emotional attachment to Jinn. "But that doesn't mean I won't be looking out for you. There are still things you have to learn, my young apprentice."

The young man smiled briefly, he hadn't admitted it out loud, but it was a fact that he had missed being called that. 

It did not take long for him to be overcome by fatigue; his breathing became slower and slower, and his body finally relaxed. He felt protected in the arms of his Master and for the same reason he could fall asleep; for the first time after so many years he felt that all was well.

Qui-Gon, noticing that he had fallen entirely asleep, stood up with Obi-Wan in his arms, holding him carefully, and then placed him on his bed. He looked at his robe, which was on one side of Obi-Wan's body and smiled a little; he took it to cover Kenobi with it, arranged locks of hair that fell over his face and left a kiss on his forehead.

He walked to the closet of his former Padawan, closing its last drawer before disappearing from that room.

Hours passed and a new day began on Coruscant. An insistent knock on the door woke Obi-Wan, who then with sleepy steps walked up to it so he could open it.

"Master, I was informed that you were injured and I returned as soon as possible after finishing my occupations, are you all right?" Anakin looked somewhat upset and the concern was noticeable in his expression. He was going to continue asking questions, but his gaze was focused on the robe that was on Obi-Wan's shoulders.

"Anakin, don't worry, I'm fine." Kenobi's voice sounded a little hoarse, and he couldn't help but carve his eyelids to get his wits about him.

"Are you sure you are all right?" he asked again as he recognized that robe. He knew that his Master had certain complications when it came to Master Qui-Gon, and he did not want to draw any wrong conclusions, but it was inevitable that he was more concerned about it.

Obi-Wan turned his attention to the garment on his shoulders, holding one of the edges with his fingers. He looked for a moment inside his room, remembering what had happened the night before; the proof that all was real was that his drawer was perfectly placed, and the fact that he had Qui-Gon's robe covering him while he slept.

He turned his gaze to Anakin and smiled broadly at the liberation he was feeling. It was one of those completely sincere expressions that he had not shown for many years, and Anakin knew it, because that action surprised him.

"Really, Ani, _I'm fine_." He reliably assured, and Skywalker did not need to keep questioning, he knew that his Master was really well at that moment.

> * * *


End file.
